Tag: television

I Have a Horrible Personality And People Hate Me When They Meet Me

That’s what I told myself this morning when I didn’t get a client I wanted. It was the only logical explanation as to why I received their email late the previous evening informing me of their “hard decision” to “go in another direction.”

Since no other reason was offered, I permitted my mind to wander the vast desert of doubt — a place I like to call Doubt Desert — to mull over all the valid reasons why my horrible personality must be blamed.

This was not a cold pitch. This meeting was so warm I could fry an egg on it. I had a personal introduction. Okay, so the person who introduced me doesn’t hate my horrible personality. But to be fair, he is a lawyer (haha).

I’m not new at this, nor am I so old I carve words on stone tablets. I’m also an innovative thinker.

I ruminate some more

During the meeting, I brought up all my oodles of experience. I must admit that my experience was not exactly what they were looking for. But all the podcasts to which I subscribe tell me not to let lack of experience stop me. After all, I can speak English and write strings of words down that mean things. Perhaps I falsely deduced that this was good positioning.

Right.

I brought my relevant samples with many of the words in strings that mean things. He oohed and ahhhed as he skimmed them. Asked me if he could keep them.

“Absolutely, I brought them for you.” Because that’s the kind of gal I am. I’m a giver.

But I know my value. I have an hourly rate. Since this was a rush job with some specific needs, I added on another ten. I stated my rate simply. Confidently. He wrote it down with nary a blink.

So far, so good.

Then the Big Guy walked in looking like he hadn’t slept in a week. My nice guy walked out. Shut the door behind him.

Ummm.

“What do you think about this project” He asked in a growl that reminded me of Lou Grant.

“I think it sounds great.” I smiled while the Mary Tyler Moore show opening played in my head.

I’m an experienced woman. I’ve been around. Well, all right, I might not’ve been around, but I’ve been… nearby.

I do that when I get nervous. I have an entire library of silly scenes, montages, music videos and other sundries that my also-me uses to steal my focus. It’s a wonder I haven’t stepped out in front of a bus.

Mr. Grant stared at me like I just served him one grilled cheese with a cockroach on the side.

“Great? What does that mean? You mean great for the consumers? Great for the investors? What exactly do you mean?”

“UhhhhhImeant that consumers and investors alike will benefit from this project as it saves time and money and is poised to be a major player in the e-commerce marketplace.”

I clamped my lips tight together. Didn’t blink, breathe, twirl my hair, check my phone…

I wish I could tell you the above strategy was some Art of War thing. But another thing also-me does is talk a lot so sometimes I have to give her a cup of juice and make her sit in the corner. Talking only to fill in silence is probably not a quality Mr. Grant looks for in a writer. Or human being.

Mr. Grant rubbed under his glasses so hard, I thought he was gouging out his own eyeballs.

“Why do you think people will buy this product?”

I told him why. I told him from the perspective of a mom who needs more hours in her day and as a consumer who now wonders why no one has thought of something so brilliant before.

He looked so tired.

He stood. I stood. We shook hands and he said, “we’ll be in touch,” and walked out and back into the boardroom at the other end of the hall. A room from where, I realized, a lot of yelling was coming.

Product development is high stakes. In that boardroom, sat a couple of guys who had put their personal lives and any wealth on hold hoping for something big. When I say big, I’m not talking Shark Tank big, but billions big.

I left feeling buoyant, high on the entrepreneurial vibrations. I found myself really hoping that my couple thousand words would be the ones that go into a proposal resulting in a shift in the way we think about time and commerce. I’m not surprised a couple of VERY smart post-grads could come up with such an idea. Probably over beers. I bet they still have the cocktail napkin scribbled with the first notes.

So, y’all I’m bummed. I wish I had the Mary Tyler Moore spunk that kept Mr. Grant from firing her. But I’m glad they found a writer who was a better fit for their vision.

And that’s what I put in my thank you note.

How To Save A Life

You’ve probably heard this one before: an old man saw a boy flinging starfish from where they were stranded on the beach back into the ocean so they could live. The old man asked the boy why he was wasting his time because the beach was miles long and full of stranded starfish. What difference does it make for the boy to take the time to do it?

The boy looks at the starfish in his hand and replies, “It makes a difference to this one,” and throws it into the surf.

Know it?

YES YOU DO. Everyone knows this story.

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FlickR Creative Commons by Andrewrendell

 

So, I read a lot of other writers’ blogs and from time to time, a topic comes that I read with great interest. The articles usually start along the lines of, “One question I get asked over and over again as a writer is why do I write?”

Something I need to say here is that no one has ever asked me that question. Mainly, I hear, “What do you write?” Or better yet, “Still?” Then I answer and my non-writerly friends’ eyes drift over to the buffet. I think I need to work on my, “elevator pitch.”

Anyhoo, the question of why writers write interests me because I think we should all ask ourselves why we pursue the things we do. We need a sense of purpose and urgency. Else, if we think no one is reading, watching or caring, we would stop.

That might be bad.

Yes, you must read my novel about a songwriter in love with two men who are best friends, one even married to her own best friend, or your life is in great peril. You’ve been warned.

What in God’s name are you talking about, Jen? And be quick about it, because they’re running out of shrimp on the buffet. I can see it from here.

 

A Show About Nothing

The year was 1996. One of the funniest Seinfeld episodes aired on a cool October evening. The episode was called, “A Difficult Patient.” Elaine saw her doctor for a rash on her arms. But while left alone in the examination room, she peeks at her chart and sees that she’s considered a difficult patient. The doctor returns to the exam room and chides Elaine for looking at her own chart. He fake erases the comment and dismisses her rash as nothing to worry about. Elaine obsesses. Decides she can’t see her doc anymore and goes for a second opinion. The new doc opens her file and shuts it quickly with an exhale. “Your rash doesn’t look serious,” he says as he writes something else on her chart and walks out.

Meanwhile, she scratches her way through the episode unrelieved and even ropes Kramer into stealing her chart so it won’t follow her around for the rest of her life.

Yeah, no. Kramer as Dr. Van Nostrum from The Hoffer-Mandale Clinic in Belgium, The Netherlands, doesn’t get her chart back.

Funny? As all get-out.
Life saving? Yes.
I don’t get it.
I’ll explain it to you.
Thank you.

 

Mammograms Can Be Funny

A woman in my life who is as close to me as as anyone can be was blowing off her mammogram. For, like years. Her doctor finally got firm with her and told her to stop avoiding her mammogram. She instantly thought of, “A Difficult Patient,” made a typical jokey Seinfeld reference, then made her appointment last month.

She’s having surgery this week because she has breast cancer.

Thank you, Seinfeld writer, Jennifer Crittenden. You just played a part in saving my mother’s life. I’m glad you didn’t stop.

For you, Gentle Mood Swinger, keep flinging starfish.

I Am Afraid to Fail And I Keep Writing

Notice there is no, “but,” in this post’s title. I’ve put myself on an attitude diet and reduced my, “but.” I’ve replaced it with pure, “and.”

I decided to try this diet after reading an article by Sarah Calendar on Writer Unboxed:

There is something empowering and freeing in using and in place of but, which I suppose makes sense. But is a word that limits someone or something. And is a word that increases someone or something. These conjunctions-junctions really do have important functions.

The idea that we are not solely one thing or another was a, “whoa,” moment for me.

Try it:

I’m an introvert and I like to entertain in my home.

I’m trying to traditionally publish and I know it’s hard.

I like to play the piano and I need to practice more.

I want to learn to play Redemption Song by Bob Marley on my guitar and I need to find the music.

My goals and motivation sharpen way the hell up when I do this. I even accidentally created the first step to accomplishing my goals in two of these examples.

 

Reading and Writing The, “And”

Do you like characters that are complicated, flakey and don’t always know what to do? I always have. Though we are in an age where authors are told readers want strong female characters. Yes. Certainly.

But (oops, my but gettin’ big).

I like characters that mess up because of who they are and not in spite of themselves. Now, I know, like you know, that some characters in some bestsellers are TSTL (too stupid to live). I won’t list them, but you feel free to in the comments. Hee.

But (again) what if you read about a songwriter who is divorced from a cheating husband and loves two men? Is such a conflict even possible?

What about a man who’s trying to save his marriage and loves his best friend’s fiancee?

Whaaaaat?

Would their conflicts resonate with you? Do you think you might feel all the betrayal and redemption these characters do? Could they possibly become more human to you? Would the promise of a character arc from, “I thought I was right,” to “Now, I know I’m right,” appeal to you?

Or would you find it boring?

Tony Soprano was a good provider to his family and he was a murderer.
Jack Bauer fought for justice and acted unethically.

Dana Scully is a skeptic and she searches for the truth.

These are characters that came to life for us. We may not agree or support all of their decisions but we will never forget them.

 

Become Instantly Fascinating

Think of people in your life and throughout history with personas that contrasted with their actions or their beliefs. Make statements about them that brings their humanity to the surface.

Then create statements for yourself and see where the, “and,” takes you. You are more than you think you are. You’re pretty fascinating, if you ask me.

While I’m afraid that I am wasting my time—the precious moments I’ve been given on this earth—by writing What The Heart Wants and I may fall in front of people whose opinions matter to me, I keep trying everyday to make it the best it can be because I am human—conflicted and flawed. I am afraid to fail and I keep writing.