Thinking of writing a book? The first line is important. The first line sets the mood, theme, style, world and should introduce the main conflict. “Amazing Bonus,” if it foreshadows the end. Above all, the first line should hook an agent, a publisher or two and thousands millions of readers.
Sounds easy.
Image courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons by Reuben Ingber, Some Rights Reserved.
To get you started, here are some plagiarized borrowed lines from people that are already famous. I think these would make perfect openings. The famous won’t mind. Probably (<~Not legal advice). Just think of the possibilities…
Kevin Hart
I used to think guns were loud until I dropped the damn shampoo in the shower.
Laura Kightlinger
I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody’s face while we’re having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?
Image via Flickr Creative Commons by Veronica Belmont, Some Rights Reserved.
Louis CK
I know it’s not popular to say, but I hate balloons.
Betty White
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep. Nine, if you’re ugly.
Redd Fox
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.
via Flickr Creative Commons by Carla de Souza Campos, Some Rights Reserved.
More Laura Kightlinger
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.
Dane Cook
When I said I wanted to be a comedian, they all laughed at me. Well, no one’s laughing now.
Ah, the 70s. Before helicopter parenting was a thing and smoking was still cool. Yes, as a society, we have progressed. We’ve made huge advances in technology and smaller, but significant, steps toward equality–at least we’re talking about it.
Yet, as a girl who grew up middle-class with working mom and dad, eating pineapple chicken and watergate salad–the 70s loved a can of pineapple–I can’t help but feel nostalgic. Especially now that the movie stars from that beloved time are passing.
We often hear that Hollywood can no longer make movies like those from the 70s anymore. Those movies are racist, sexist and exploitative.
And so freakin’ funny.
Sorry. I’m not racist, sexist or exploitative in the least. But COME ON. Bash me in the comments* but I think we can all agree the 70s were a golden era of savagely funny movies over which the late Gene Wilder had tremendous influence. I’ve listed five of my favorites. Credit details are from IMDb.
*Comments are moderated, just so you know, and will be edited for content and to make me look fabulous. “Idiotic,” will become, “brilliant,” and “should not be allowed near a computer,” will be changed to, “queen of the keyboard.”
The Producers
Writer: Mel Brooks
Story: Producers Max Bialystok and his timid accountant, Leo Bloom, make money by producing a sure-fire flop.
Character: Leo Bloom
Best line: Leo Bloom: [reads title of play for first time] “Springtime for Hitler” a gay romp with Adolf and Eva at Berchtesgaden… Wow!
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Writer: Roald Dahl
Story: A little boy, Charlie, receives a golden ticket to a magical candy factor and finds adventure.
Character: Willy Wonka
Best lines: Wonka: I don’t understand it. The children are disappearing like rabbits. Well, we still have each other. Shall we press on?
Wonka: Well, well, well, two naughty, nasty little children gone. Three good, sweet little children left.
Mr. Salt: You sure this thing’ll float, eh, Wonka? Wonka: With your buoyancy, sir, rest assured.
Mrs. Teevee: I assume there’s an accident indemnity clause. Wonka: Never between friends.
Wonka: If the good Lord had intended us to walk, he wouldn’t have invented roller skates.
Wonka: Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
Charlie: Mr. Wonka, they won’t really be burned in the furnace, will they? Wonka: Hm…well, I think that furnace is only lit every other day, so they have a good sporting chance, haven’t they?
Mrs. Gloop: Don’t just stand there, do something! Wonka:[unenthusiastically] Help. Police. Murder.
Wonka: The suspense is terrible…I hope it’ll last.
Blazing Saddles
Writers: Mel Brooks, Norman Steinberg, Andrew Bergman, Richard Pryor, Alan Uger
Story: To ruin a western town, a corrupt political boss appoints a black sheriff, who promptly becomes his most formidable adversary alongside with his sidekick, the alcoholic Waco Kid.
Character: Jim, The Waco Kid
Best lines: Jim:[consoling Bart] What did you expect? “Welcome, sonny”? “Make yourself at home”? “Marry my daughter”? You’ve got to remember that these are simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know…morons.
Jim: Well, it got so bad that every piss-ant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word “draw” in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street when I heard a voice behind me say, “Reach for it, mister!” I spun around…and there I was, face to face with a six-year old kid. Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass. So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle…and I’ve been there ever since.
Bart: Are we awake? Jim: We’re not sure. Are we…black? Bart: Yes, we are. Jim: Then we’re awake…but we’re very puzzled.
Young Frankenstein
Writers: Gene Wilder, Mel Brooks, Mary Shelley
Story: An American grandson of the infamous scientist, struggling to prove that he is not as insane as people believe, is invited to Transylvania, where he discovers the process that reanimates a dead body.
Character: Dr. Frederick Frankenstein. Pronounced FRONK-en-steen.
Best lines: [Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors] Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What knockers. Inga: Oh, thank you doctor.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: For what we are about to see next, we must enter quietly into the realm of genius.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:[singing] If you’re blue, and you don’t know where to go to, why don’t you go where fashion sits… The Monster: ‘UTTEN ON THE ‘IIIIITZ.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Well, dear, are you ready? Inga: Yes, Doctor Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Elevate me. Inga: Now? Right here? Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Yes, yes, raise the platform. Inga: Oh. Ze platform. Oh, zat, yah, yah…yes
Bonus: Best Gene Wilder scene of all time:
Stir Crazy
Writers: Bruce Jay Friedman
Story: When Skip & Harry decided they’ve had enough of New York they decide to head to the blue sky and sun of California. Taking a job as promoters in a bank they get falsely accused of bank robbery and are sent to a tough jail where they form unlikely friendships and they find themselves in the prison rodeo.
Character: Skip Donahue
Best lines: Skip Donahue: This filthy, roach-ridden reality is inspiring…what did that second policeman say to you when he grabbed you by the throat? Harry Monroe: Man, I don’t fucking believe you! Skip Donahue: “Man, I don’t fucking believe you!” Fabulous! Harry Monroe: You don’t get it do you, Skip. You think this is The Count of Monte Cristo or something. We’re in deep trouble. This is the real deal. We’re in deep shit.
Skip Donahue: Aren’t you amazed at the quality of the vegetables – in a prison.” Harry Monroe: I’m amazed at what’s crawling around in my soup!”
I’m thinking film festival really hard right now. Read this to get ideas of hosting your own Gene Wilder Film Fest and The Progression of the 70s After Discussion.
Rest in peace, Gene. The 70s couldn’t have gotten any wilder without you.
You’ve probably heard this one before: an old man saw a boy flinging starfish from where they were stranded on the beach back into the ocean so they could live. The old man asked the boy why he was wasting his time because the beach was miles long and full of stranded starfish. What difference does it make for the boy to take the time to do it?
The boy looks at the starfish in his hand and replies, “It makes a difference to this one,” and throws it into the surf.
Know it?
YES YOU DO. Everyone knows this story.
FlickR Creative Commons by Andrewrendell
So, I read a lot of other writers’ blogs and from time to time, a topic comes that I read with great interest. The articles usually start along the lines of, “One question I get asked over and over again as a writer is why do I write?”
Something I need to say here is that no one has ever asked me that question. Mainly, I hear, “What do you write?” Or better yet, “Still?” Then I answer and my non-writerly friends’ eyes drift over to the buffet. I think I need to work on my, “elevator pitch.”
Anyhoo, the question of why writers write interests me because I think we should all ask ourselves why we pursue the things we do. We need a sense of purpose and urgency. Else, if we think no one is reading, watching or caring, we would stop.
That might be bad.
Yes, you must read my novel about a songwriter in love with two men who are best friends, one even married to her own best friend, or your life is in great peril. You’ve been warned.
What in God’s name are you talking about, Jen? And be quick about it, because they’re running out of shrimp on the buffet. I can see it from here.
A Show About Nothing
The year was 1996. One of the funniest Seinfeld episodes aired on a cool October evening. The episode was called, “A Difficult Patient.” Elaine saw her doctor for a rash on her arms. But while left alone in the examination room, she peeks at her chart and sees that she’s considered a difficult patient. The doctor returns to the exam room and chides Elaine for looking at her own chart. He fake erases the comment and dismisses her rash as nothing to worry about. Elaine obsesses. Decides she can’t see her doc anymore and goes for a second opinion. The new doc opens her file and shuts it quickly with an exhale. “Your rash doesn’t look serious,” he says as he writes something else on her chart and walks out.
Meanwhile, she scratches her way through the episode unrelieved and even ropes Kramer into stealing her chart so it won’t follow her around for the rest of her life.
Yeah, no. Kramer as Dr. Van Nostrum from The Hoffer-Mandale Clinic in Belgium, The Netherlands, doesn’t get her chart back.
Funny? As all get-out. Life saving? Yes. I don’t get it.
I’ll explain it to you. Thank you.
Mammograms Can Be Funny
A woman in my life who is as close to me as as anyone can be was blowing off her mammogram. For, like years. Her doctor finally got firm with her and told her to stop avoiding her mammogram. She instantly thought of, “A Difficult Patient,” made a typical jokey Seinfeld reference, then made her appointment last month.
She’s having surgery this week because she has breast cancer.
Thank you, Seinfeld writer, Jennifer Crittenden. You just played a part in saving my mother’s life. I’m glad you didn’t stop.
For you, Gentle Mood Swinger, keep flinging starfish.
