7 Games From My Childhood That Should Be Olympic Events

For every Olympic Games, a discussion arises regarding which events to include. Many feel that the subjective events like gymnastics and diving shouldn’t be included. Only sports that have points based on game rules or races that don’t require human judgment are fair enough to include.

I beg to differ. Gymnastics and diving are beautiful. The judges are fair too. I think the world can tell if some 16-year old messes up her double lay-out, full in, full out.

I mean, we’re not stupid.

If I may speak for the world, we are also pretty judgmental just fine on our own.

I get that it’s easy to see who won based on the rules of competition. Archery, weightlifting and badminton are straightforward. Team sports are even easier to judge. Basketball, water polo and beach volleyball have points and rules and there you go.

But I think we should open our minds to the possibilities of including other, lesser known and off the beaten path sports in the Olympics. But better known than, say, canoe slalom and trampoline (DVR set for those? Didn’t think so.).

Want to know which popular sports worldwide are not included in the Olympics presently?

Cricket (blah)
Netball (what is this?)
Speak Takraw (not making this up)
Floorball (please no)
Bandy (okay, moving on)

I am preparing to submit my own highly logical, highly entertaining, highly competitive list of potential Olympic sports. These are games that I hold close to my heart and country. They are from our childhood.

They are…

1. Lava

   Rules: Players move from one piece of furniture to another in the living room of a house without touching the lava, i.e. the ground. If a player touches the lava, the player dies. This game lasts for hours until your little sister touches the lava. Then she is dead and you win.

2. Back Of The Sofa Gymnastics

   Rules: Again, using furniture (can be the same pieces from Lava; see above) as apparatus, contestants perform a routine combining traditional gymnastics moves with circus acrobatics. Points are earned for form as well as the level of danger. For example, cartwheels along the back of the sofa are worth one point. Cartwheels along the back of the sofa not pushed up against a wall are worth two points. Events include Recliner Somersaults, Sofa Cushion Vaulting and Arm-chair Flips. Dismounts are everything! Stick the landing! Always!

3. Diving

   Rules: Public pool diving is less about no-splash and more about making the biggest splash you can. Belly flops, cannonballs, acting like you are drunk and staggering off a diving board are some of the events that earn points at “diving.” Extra points for getting your mother wet after she told you not to.

4. Synchronized Swimming

   Rules: Grab your “camp” best friend or little sister and start training! Yes, I know this is already a lovely, lovely, albeit subjective sport. But it’s too Olympic-fied. We need to get back to basics. And by basics, I mean more hand stands in the pool and waggling your feet above the water like you’re drowning because you’re hair got stuck in the drain. Extra points for matching bathing caps and red-popsicle “lipstick.”

   
   The Aqualillies from Katie Orlinsky on Vimeo.

5. Olympic Reading

   Rules: Great sport for the hottest part of the day during the Summer Olympics. Participants will walk or ride their bikes to the local library in their bare feet and create a pile of books. They will have sticky fingers and they shall find a beanbag chair in the library and read until they hear an ice-cream truck outside. Everyone’s a winner in this event.

6. Lip Syncing

   Rules: Players will select a Top 40 song, preferably from the decade in which they were born. Players will have a homemade costume, a hairbrush mic and a, “stage,” fashioned by bed sheets and appliance boxes or tree branches. Players must include elements such as how they use their mother’s make-up while she is at work, choreography and hair flipping.

7. Hide and Seek

   Rules: We all know how to play this, but the Olympic version is highly dramatic and super serious. The rules are too difficult to get into in a blog format. But suffice it to say, they are usually made up on the spot as the game progresses.

During my 37-minutes of research, I’ve discovered that to petition the Olympic Committee, I must start an international federation.

Sounds easy enough.

Then I have to fill out a 100-page questionnaire about gender inclusiveness (sure), global participation (hmmm) and fan passion (uh, YEAH).

Won’t you join me?

#tokyo2020